I’m Not Happier Because Life Got Better

Recently, I’ve noticed a strange undercurrent beneath otherwise normal days. At stoplights. During work. Standing in the kitchen, doing nothing in particular.

It’s not sadness or anxiety. It’s awareness. Of time. Of how quickly moments arrive and disappear. Of how rarely we notice them while they’re still here.

At first, I assumed this was just grief finding another way in. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Missing my dad still comes in waves, unexpected and inconvenient. Certain songs. Certain games. Certain silences.

But recently it’s been different. Thinking about death wasn’t pulling me backward. It was pulling me into the present.

At first, I thought that maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling the lesson every parent has told me about how fast it all goes. And with that comes urgency. Not the frantic kind. The quiet kind. The kind that asks a harder question:

Am I only enjoying my life because things are good right now?

Because if that’s true, it’s fragile. Temporary. Built on conditions that can change without asking your permission.

When you stop waiting for life to feel meaningful, you start noticing that meaning has been quietly accumulating all along.

This is quieter than that.

It’s the recognition that these might be the good old days. That this version of your life — imperfect, unresolved, unfinished — is not a warm-up act for something better. It is the thing.

And when you truly see that, something shifts.

You don’t just feel grateful in hindsight. You feel it in real time.

You notice the ordinary moments while they’re happening. You don’t rush past them so quickly. You stay a second longer. You listen instead of waiting to talk. You look up instead of down.

Presence sneaks in through the side door.

What surprised me most is that this didn’t arrive because life suddenly got easier. If anything, the opposite is true.

I have relationships that feel strained and unresolved — ones I care deeply about but haven’t figured out how to fix. I carry burdens that haven’t lifted. Physically, I’m dealing with aches and limitations I haven’t experienced in more than twenty years. Some days my body feels like it’s negotiating with me instead of working with me. 

So what changed? It wasn’t my circumstances.

It was my perspective.

After years marked by loss, disappointment, and a kind of quiet exhaustion, I’ve learned something I don’t think I could’ve learned any other way:

Hard seasons don’t just steal from you. They teach you what’s worth keeping.

The dark days sharpen the light ones. The sad days give happiness its contrast. Without them, joy becomes vague, something you chase instead of something you recognize when it’s sitting right in front of you.

And when things finally tilt even slightly in your favor, you’re ready. You don’t miss it. You don’t postpone your appreciation. You’re there for it.

That’s the paradox: presence doesn’t come from everything being okay. It comes from knowing everything won’t always be.

Once you accept that, even difficult days take on a different texture. They’re still hard. Still painful. Still frustrating.

But they’re alive.

When you stop waiting for life to feel meaningful, you start noticing that meaning has been quietly accumulating all along.

So is life suddenly great? Or have I simply learned to appreciate more of what I already have?

To choose looking up instead of down. To accept that today can still be my day, even if yesterday wasn’t.

To live with the understanding that tomorrow is promised to no one, which makes this moment — this conversation, this walk, — worth showing up for.

I don’t know if you get that kind of perspective without pain.

I hope you can.

But if pain is the price of presence, then the least we can do is treat it like a blue-chip stock: hold onto it long enough to see what it’s worth. Let it appreciate. Let it teach you how to live, not just to survive.

I don’t know what season you’re in right now. Maybe things are finally going your way. Maybe you’re in the middle of something that feels endless and unfair.

But I do know this: learning to appreciate what you have in the moment, not after it’s gone, has a way of making every moment feel a little more bearable. Sometimes even beautiful.

And that small shift — nothing flashy, nothing forced — might be all it takes for life to start feeling like it’s quietly, steadily, moving in your favor.

Learn each other's Values

 A 2001 study found couples who really open up to each other are nearly two-thirds more likely to say they have a happy union. As Casanova once said, “Love is three-quarters curiosity.” And Gottman’s research backs him up. The happiest couples understand a lot about their partners. He calls this deep knowledge a “love map.” Knowing how they like their coffee, the little worries that bother them, what their biggest hopes and dreams are. This info not only increases closeness but also reduces conflict by what Gottman calls “preemptive repair.” We all have concerns and sensitivities, rational or not, and when you’re aware of those, you can avoid them before they become an issue.

So look up from your smartphone and get to know your partner better. Knowing how they like their coffee is good, but the real value here is in understanding the personal, idiosyncratic meanings they have of things. What does love mean to them? Marriage? Happiness? Dig for their unique perspective on stuff like what “being fulfilled” entails. When you know that your partner sees the completion of household chores as an important expression of caring, then it’s not a mystery why they’re getting upset—and you can do something about it.

Dan Wile once wrote, “Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.” But when you take the time to get to know somebody, you can see the emotional reasons why things don’t mean to them what they might mean to you. 

That understanding can change “difficult problems” into “lovable quirks.” When you know they leave the lights on in the bathroom sometimes because of a childhood fear of the dark, the lazy idiot becomes a sympathetic human with acceptable foibles.

And, more important, Gottman says that understanding people’s idiosyncratic meanings is how you overcome those recurring problems. What does gridlock on an issue mean? It means this is tied to something important to them. Values. The same thing causing you all that grief can be a door to a deep insight into your partner. If you know what something really means to them, maybe you can find something that honors both of your visions of life.

Or maybe you can at least respect each other’s position instead of thinking they’re trying to sabotage your happiness. Like Gottman said, dealing with those perpetual problems is about regulation, not resolution. And that works a lot better when you’re honestly able to tell them “I don’t agree, but I see why you feel that way.”

Expanding on meaning, talking about dreams and values may sound saccharine, but it’s crucial. You’re on a journey together, so it’s kinda important that you both wanna head in the same direction, eh? What’s their ideal life? Their ideal self? These are big questions, but if you start answering them, the smaller stuff starts falling into place and that crazy person you live with can start to make sense. All couples argue about money. Why? Because money is all about values. It’s a quantification of what’s important to you. Get closer to an understanding of their values, and the money problem magically gets easier to deal with.

You don’t want to just “get along.” God, how low a standard is that? Do all the above right and you get on the path to shared meaning. To having your own secret language. An emotional shorthand. Silly stuff infused with rich personal meaning. Those inside jokes, things you say that are crazy to everyone else but mean so much to the two of you. This is when couples truly can’t bear to be apart, because they have a shared identity, a shared story, because the other person is inextricably a part of their future progress, future goals, and how they will become their ideal self.

And that unique culture should be supported by unique rituals. A big part of making this special culture of two and cementing a shared identity is infusing the day-to-day with that special meaning. These aren’t the big, exciting moments of expansion; they’re the little things. Mealtimes, bedtime, vacations, date night, partings, reunitings, scheduled snuggling appointments, and celebrations are all perfect moments for having a special, weird something that sets your love apart.

A good concrete one to start with? At the end of the workday when you reunite, you each take a turn sharing the good news of the day. And both of you support and celebrate what the other says. Repeated studies have shown this can boost happiness and relationship satisfaction. UCSB professor Shelly Gable has found that how couples celebrate can actually be more important than how you fight. Again, like Gottman said, in many cases, if you increase the positive, the negative doesn’t matter quite as much

Advice to a high schooler

Last night, I had to counsel Ethan because he didn't understand why he had to prioritise his studies over his fun stuff.

Maybe this article will help him comprehend.

By Bob Perks

Dear High School Graduate:

You're moving on and leaving behind some of your best friends ever. At the same time you are taking them with you, because who you are today is a combination of things.  That includes those people you hung out with, those people you tried to avoid and those who were like family to you.

You are a collection of all of them and yourself at the same time. Through your high school years you were like a sponge absorbing everything around you.  The good and not so good. 

As you step off that stage onto the solid ground of growing up, you will begin to shed some of those influences.  The cap and gown is returned.  The party is over and you are on your way to another world. 

College.

I can't tell you what that world will look like.  I can tell you that you are about to make a bunch of new friends who will have the biggest impact on your life. 

It is very important that you set boundaries and guidelines in this area.

Unlike high school friends, this next round will have more of an impact on you as you get closer to entering adulthood. You are all developing habits and skills at the same time.  You are all on your own for the first time.  These years will be filled with firsts.

I suggest that you look at it as auditioning people for different roles in a new feature film or play you are about to write.  Every person will play a  part, know their lines and help you to make this a block buster hit, or a complete flop.

You are the director.  Who plays those roles is your choice.  YOUR choice.

No one else can choose your friends.

You will have a hard time keeping in touch with friends of the past.  That's fine.

You will need to make time for a social life in college, but you will not go out as much as you think.  There is work to be done and it needs to be done right.  Your real world life ahead depends on it.  The time will go fast, too.

These new friends you have chosen will either help you to get there or hold you back.  Find the friends who believe that, too.

Seek out friends who have a plan.  Not people who are simply passing through.

One study shows, "having and keeping close friends throughout life is important for emotional health," said Glenn Sparks of Purdue University. "And college is a key time for generating close friends," he said.

"This is a kind of a unique time in people's lives, and they have the time and the frequency of contact with each other to really develop these kinds of close relationships," Sparks said.

Put down the phone and pick up the conversation around you.

Still another report says, "While it is tempting for new college students to stay connected with high school friends through Facebook or email, a communication expert encourages them to take time to mute their phones, close their laptops and meet people the old-fashioned way: face to face.

"College students should take advantage of conversational time around them as they wait for a class, walk around campus or sit outside to eat a snack," says Glenn Sparks, a Purdue University professor of communication who studies how mass media affect people's relationships. 

"Keeping in touch with family and friends back home is important, but it can take students away from interacting with those in their immediate environment.

"It can be tempting, and sometimes easier, to spend free time glancing at Facebook or responding to text messages, but when other people are present, students should turn off their phones and get to know those around them."

So, my new High School graduate..."I wish you friends" is the best advice I can offer.

Belief vs perception

The wise do not buy into other people’s perceptions of who they are and what they are capable of. 

Instead, they bypass a person’s public persona and see who they are in their highest expression. 

When you see actions taken with integrity, instead of words only, you will then know a soul’s worth.

Staff management

Hiring a new recruit today.

Why?

Because our client will want to see a person who's motivated.

How to motivate your staff?

This way:

In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed:

1. They must be fit for it

2. They must not do too much of it

3. And they must have a sense of success in it