Had a good laugh. You will too!
E-mail from the Queen, important announcement regarding the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. However, a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
16. Stop fighting wars in other people's countries: you haven't got a clue on how to end it victorious......you leave the place in a bigger mess than it ever was in the first place
17. Start serving smaller meals (burgers, etc)...you are already the most 'obese' nation in the world...and you are getting worse day by day.
God Save the Queen!
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. Show all posts
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Letter Humor
Dear Female Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Payback's a bitch!
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Payback's a bitch!
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Parliament Passes Malaysians With No Abilities Act
Warning: This is satire, as I've heard the MCMC is too idiotic to be able to distinguish between a good joke and what is real.
Parliament Passes Malaysians With No Abilities Act
PUTRAJAYA—On Tuesday, Parliament approved the Malaysians With No Abilities Act (MANA), sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 5 million talentless Malaysians.
The act, signed into law by PM Najib shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions of Malaysian citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Malaysians—through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Najib, a longtime MANA supporter.
"We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling coupons for get-rich-quick schemes, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Malaysians, the Malaysian dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
The Prime Minister pointed to the success of the Civil Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of government employees lack job skills, making it the single largest employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and "warehouse" stores (65%).
The JPJ also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
Under MANA, more than 500,000 important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, MANA also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Joceline Tan, who lost her position as an unessential pencil sharpener at the Prime Minister's Department last month due to her inability to remember 'anti-clockwise to sharpen'.
"This new law should really help people like me." Tan added.
With the passage of MANA, Tan and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Minister Liow Tiong Lai: 'As a Minister with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every Malaysian with no abilities.
It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every Malaysian citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.
Parliament Passes Malaysians With No Abilities Act
PUTRAJAYA—On Tuesday, Parliament approved the Malaysians With No Abilities Act (MANA), sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 5 million talentless Malaysians.
The act, signed into law by PM Najib shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions of Malaysian citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Malaysians—through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Najib, a longtime MANA supporter.
"We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling coupons for get-rich-quick schemes, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Malaysians, the Malaysian dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
The Prime Minister pointed to the success of the Civil Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of government employees lack job skills, making it the single largest employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and "warehouse" stores (65%).
The JPJ also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
Under MANA, more than 500,000 important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
Finally, MANA also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Joceline Tan, who lost her position as an unessential pencil sharpener at the Prime Minister's Department last month due to her inability to remember 'anti-clockwise to sharpen'.
"This new law should really help people like me." Tan added.
With the passage of MANA, Tan and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Minister Liow Tiong Lai: 'As a Minister with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every Malaysian with no abilities.
It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every Malaysian citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.
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