Giving, and taking advice

 Most people think they take recommendations, but this isn’t true. They take advice only when hearing things they already agree with or that make sense to them or that don't require any major changes--and that's only if they remember the actual suggestions.

Here’s the problem with that way of operating: If you are seeking advice, then clearly there is something you need help with in your life.

And if you're only acting on what “makes sense” or "is easy" or "sounds right" to you, then you're not actually going to get out of the hole you're in. You’ve been doing what "makes sense" all along on some level.

I've found this to be especially true when it comes to human behaviour: What "makes sense" and "is logical" is not always what's actually effective.

Or, on a personal level, to paraphrase The Truth: We're too close to ourselves to see clearly enough to get out of our own way.

It is the ideas that don’t make sense, the ideas that you resist, the ideas that seem stupid, the ideas that you mentally write-off, and especially the ideas that you form logical arguments against that will lead to your biggest breakthroughs.

As the saying goes: What got you here won’t get you there.

Of course, some of the suggestions and advice that you receive are going to lead to dead ends or not work for you. But there’s no harm in trying them if they don’t hurt you or anybody else.

Even the advice that leads you to a dead end will help you grow.

Why? Because now you know what doesn’t work. And often, along that path, you’ll find another trail to follow.

That said, there’s a simple thing you can do to greatly increase the odds of outside advice working for you: Take it from someone who’s successful in that area.

Chances are very high that you know someone who’s at least a little more knowledgeable than you in an area where you need help--or you can find a way to connect with an expert online or in person at an event of theirs.

Some of my closest friends, who’ve gone on to become very successful, I actually met through cold emails they sent or through Society events.

NOW LET'S GO ONE LEVEL DEEPER

There’s another key to this: It’s not about just asking for advice. Many people do that. The key is in how you receive the advice.

Here are a few things not to do when someone is trying to help you with good advice or a recommendation.

Don't:

1. Respond with a sentence that begins with the word “But...”

2. Give them more information or detail than they need.

3. Talk more than they're talking.

4. Feel like they don’t understand or that your circumstances are unique.

5. Ask for advice when you're actually seeking empathy. (And don't seek empathy when what you actually need is help.)

6. Feel like you’re wasting their time.

7. Cherry-pick the parts of the advice you like and disregard the big picture.

8. Interrupt them.

9. Get upset because you feel criticized, frustrated, condescended to, or triggered in any way.

10. Guide them into saying exactly what you want to hear by being unreceptive to everything else.

11. Totally agree, then walk away and decide the advice isn’t right for you after all.

12. Totally agree, then walk away, only remember the parts you agreed with, and keep doing the same thing you’ve always done while thinking you’re actually following the advice.

13. Totally agree, but fail to implement the advice, then lie to them and pretend like you did it because you don't want to disappoint them.

Let's calls this The Stuck Cycle.

Here’s what will happen if you live here: People will give up on you. They will lose respect for you. They will stop giving you advice or even empathy. Your friends may even cut you off.

So instead, here are ten things to do when receiving advice, in order.

Do:

1. State your question or problem clearly.

2. Answer follow-up questions directly and honestly. 

3. Listen. 

4. Accept. 

5. Take notes. 

6. Ask for clarification when you don’t understand. 

7. Repeat your main takeaways afterward to make sure you understood correctly.

8. Ask if there’s anything else you need to know or do.

9. Do it.

10. Share your results with them, both the successes and challenges, then repeat these steps from the top.

Let’s call this The Learning Cycle. 

It’s an easy formula to read. But it is challenging to do.

It's challenging because we often don't listen well, with our filters off. But more so, it's difficult to break entrenched habits, both of behaviour and of thinking.

There’s a reason why a big positive change is called a breakthrough: you have to break through your resistance, habits, and fears to get there.

But it's worth it: If you have an issue and you go through the learning cycle just a few times on an issue, then it will likely no longer be an issue.  

No matter who you are, chances are that there are people in your life (or whose emails you're reading!) who are telling you exactly what you need.

They know the solution--or at least a solution. They can see it where you can’t. Some of them have been telling it to you over and over. Others have given up on you.

Show them that you're ready to really understand and implement the advice that you haven’t been hearing. 

That you're ready to enter the learning cycle and have the breakthroughs!

Lessons from the corporate world

1. Don’t challenge your superior or your immediate boss publicly. Avoid arguments with your immediate boss, and give them room to look like they’ve won the arguments.
2. Always keep time, and mostly, report to work earlier than everybody else, and leave later than everybody else.
3. Always be friendly with your fellow staff, big or small, and be in good terms with your immediate boss and other senior staff.
4. Honesty is the key in the corporate world. In the corporate world, they regard honesty more than education or technical skills.
5. Demonstrate leadership qualities by showing that you can accept responsibilities, lead by example, and mostly, work with minimal or no supervision.
6. Acquire cutting-edge skills, specifically for the job you do, but mostly, understand the business like the back of your hand. This will make you indispensable.
7. Work smart, and always finish your assignments earlier. If you find yourself with no work to do, promptly ask your immediate boss what you can do, or at least report to your boss about what you’re working on.
8. Even if you have a point to make, don’t make your immediate boss lose face in front of other staff. Discuss any ingenious ideas with your boss so that the ideas appear to come from your boss—not you.
9. The corporate world is like the military. Obeying orders without asking too many questions attracts higher respect than being smart.
10. Even if you come up with ingenious ideas, stage it such that the credit goes to your immediate boss—not you.
11. Avoid asking for a salary raise. Let the initiative come from your boss.
12. Play teamwork, and even if you conceive a creative idea, always give credit to the team.
13. Always ask smart questions, which will not entangle your boss. Offer tangible solutions instead of criticism.
14. Don’t be rude to your work colleagues, and especially to your immediate boss.
15. Corporate meetings are just an excuse to break from the routine, and escape the work stress or discuss crises. Don’t criticize them or avoid them. Instead, just go along with them, and try to be as creative as possible. Always weigh your points before you say anything.
16. Be smart. Don’t be overly ambitious, but maintain a low profile. Don’t brag or be a loudmouth, especially when you’ve won a corporate battle of sorts.
17. Commit to lifelong understanding of the business, and especially the customers. Increase your knowledge by listening to the external world and reading books.
18. Aim more, for a salary raise than for a promotion, for a promotion without a salary raise is meaningless—unless you want to change jobs. When you do it, make sure you have something to show to your boss, like how you’ve been able to bring in more value by your initiatives, for example.
19. Life is very unpredictable in the corporate world. Always live in the corporate world as though you’ll lose your job the next day. Live on the edge, but don’t discuss it with your friends or colleagues.

Jobless at 47

To Achieve A Goal You’ve Never Achieved Before, You Need Four Things: 

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Planning And Preparation

  

You can’t just wing it and expect great things to happen. 

You need a well-defined and structured plan. This plan should be realistic, and fit in with your life and personality.

Accountability And Social Support

 

Telling people what we want to achieve is the first step. 

Talking about your goals with anyone breathes life into it, especially when you surround yourself with like-minded people who want to see you succeed.

 

Studies show that accountability to a professional, like a coach, is more valuable than a friend or family member.

 

  

Incentive

 

 

You have to understand why you are setting this goal.

 

The why is your mission to the end result – you have to really dig deep to figure this out, and once you do, constantly reminder yourself of the end result you’re seeking – the more specific you can be, the better.

 

Deadline

 

There’s this thing called the law of diminishing intent.

 

The more time that passes after you set a goal, the less likely you are to make it happen.

 

This is why it’s wise to set deadlines.

 

 

Deadlines propel action.

 

Period.

 

The further away a deadline, the more likely we are to procrastinate, which is why it’s smart to break down any “big goal” into a set of mini goals with realistic and close deadlines.

 

 

 

Regardless, achieving a goal, no matter how small, propels us with the momentum needed to take on even bigger goals.

 

 

 

The cycle looks something like this:

 

 

 

Goal Setting -> Planning -> Deadline -> Commitment -> Discipline -> Accomplishment -> Satisfaction -> Bigger Goal -> Repeat

 

 

 

Be awesome + crush it

Being Stoic

 

• Change what you can and forget the rest : There are so many things that are out of our control. Trying to gain control over them is only going to make us miserable. Focus on only the things that are in our control and let the rest be. It will all work out in the end!
• Be grateful at all times : Seneca wrote to his friend Lucilius, “In all things we should try to make ourselves be as grateful as possible.” No matter what happens in our life, there is always plenty to be grateful for. Make it a point to write down things that you are grateful for everyday, no matter how minute they seem.
• Nothing can break you :Epictetus said, “You can bind up my leg, but not even Zeus has the power to break my freedom of choice.” The human spirit knows no bounds. No matter what life throws at you, you have it within you to fight it and emerge the victor. Throughout history we have seen countless times how people overcame brutality and became successful.
• Go within yourself : “Dig deep within yourself, for there is a fountain of goodness ever ready to flow if you will keep digging.” Marcus Aurelius. Everything is inside us. Instead of looking outside and walking the path of someone else, look within and forge you own path.
• Be Kind always :Marcus Aurelius has said “For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong—right as they are trying to harm you?” Being unkind and cruel as the masks that people wear hiding their own inner conflicts and pain. Anger is way to dissipate pain. Instead of taking it out on someone else, go within and work on it.
• Be aware of your Mortality : It is important for one to know their mortality. The fact that they will not live forever. Sounds grim but in fact it is the most beautiful and liberating thought since it will force you to take action now! “Don’t behave as if you are destined to live forever. What’s fated hangs over you.” Marcus Aurelius.
• Proactively do good deeds : Marcus Aurelius has written, “Often injustice lies in what you aren’t doing, not only in what you are doing.”. We humans believe that as long as we are not doing evil, we are considered to be a good human. Doing good is equally important and often is more worse than the other. Don’t be a bystander, come forward and do good. The world needs it!
• Seize the day : Seneca has said “As each day arises, welcome it as the very best day of all, and make it your own possession. We must seize what flees.”. We should make use of our little time on earth by taking it one day at a time and making sure we accomplish what we set out to accomplish on that particular day!
• Don’t set out to accomplish everything at the same time : We have a huge list of goals that we would like to accomplish but often times we put way too much on our plate at once which leads to burn out and overwhelm. “Don’t set your heart on so many things,” says Epictetus. There is nothing wrong in wanting things. Just remember that you can have it all just not at the same time!
• Always be prepared : Life is the ultimate endurance sport. It will throw curve balls at you at the most unexpected times. It would be wise to train and prepare mentally, physically and spiritually for whatever life throws at you. Most people go through life unprepared and when life knocks them down they shatter like a deck of cards. “The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, because an artful life requires being prepared to meet and withstand sudden and unexpected attacks.” Marcus Aurelius
• Be empathetic and selfless : The stoics teach us to share the happiness and sadness that comes with the success and failures of others. Seneca said “rejoice in all their successes and be moved by their every failure.”
• Be humble in victory and gracious in defeat : Marcus Aurelius said it well, “Receive without pride, let go without attachment.” The longer you celebrate your victory, the more permission you give defeat to make you cry. Be grateful when you win and remember that it is not the end of the world when you lose.
• Believe in yourself : Through the inner reflection and introspection the stoics ultimately inspire us to believe in ourselves. Once you find your path, trust that it is the right path and keep walking on it. Along the way you will get distracted by opinions and doubts, keep believing and walking the path.
• Obstacle is the way : Throughout our journey walking our path we will come across several obstacles. It might seem like the end of the road but true success comes from breaking them down and building a road through them. The stoics teach us to use the obstacles as stepping stones to success. Marcus Aurelius has said rightly, “Our actions may be impeded, but there can be no impeding our intentions or dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

Wealth and happiness

 We’re not among the super wealthy but certainly comfortable.

1. Worry. I went through a business bankruptcy when young that left me scarred and scared. In some ways, I’ve never gotten over it completely and still occasionally worry. We have enough wealth to live our life style for the rest of our lives. But when our investments are crashing I still sometimes get uneasy. I’m just glad we have plenty of margin.

2. Impressing. When I was young, occasionally, I’d try to impress a wealthy older friend with how much we had. And in comparison we had little. I remember they were never impressed or even noticed. Now I’m them and have no desire to impress others. And probably don’t notice the ones trying to impress me.

3. Work. I worked hard to build businesses and investments. Long hours which created stress and exhaustion. I dreamed of building our wealth until I could retire and relax. Now I could retire. But I enjoy running my business, helping others and still building wealth. So I still work but at a more comfortable pace and enjoy it.

4. Happiness. When I was young I dreamed I’d be happy if I had more wealth. So I sort of put off happiness. Then, along the way, I realized that was foolish. I was wasting my whole life waiting to find happiness. So I learned to be happy in the journey not just the destination. And I’m glad because, honestly, I’m happy now but not happier.

5. Contentment. When I was young I dreamed of being able to buy whatever I wanted. And occasionally bought more than we needed or really could afford. Now I can afford all that we need and most of what we want. Yet, I learned to be content along the way which helped us build wealth. And now I’m content not spending all of it.

Wealth is surprising. You dream it will solve all your problems. And then, hopefully while young, realize you had that power all along.

You can be happy and wealthy but only as you learn to be happy before being wealthy.

Life is Simple

At the core, life is extremely simple.

If you want to be happy then do what makes you happy.

If you want to be rich then do what makes you money.

And if you don’t do anything then you don’t get anything.

You either love someone or you don’t, either worked hard enough to achieve success or you didn’t and you are either proud of who you have become or you’re not.

That’s the “secret” to life and it’s all very simple.

The worst part about this is, that you know that this is true.

You know that if you just did the things you’ve been avoiding, the hard things, the uncomfortable ones, that your life would likely be far better!

You know that better than anyone, but keep avoiding it because you “missed too much” or “failed too often”; which is ultimately nothing more than pretty excuses.

The truth is you just want to avoid the discomfort of the action.

Something is keeping you from it, be it fear, discomfort or something else.

There is some story that you tell yourself that you believe that keeps you from doing that task.

You are not good enough, not smart enough, not disciplined enough. Life has been unkind to you, your parents prevent you from doing it or your situation does not allow for it.

You can make thousands of excuses and give even more reasons to why life is not that simple, but, in the end, it still is.

For if you just sat down and worked out, if you just worked harder or smarter, your life would be better. Period.

Now, if you do not know how to do it, then spend time figuring it out!

If you do not know what to do, then sit down and work on that.

But in the end it is all about doing the things you know you should.

That’s all it takes.

Stop making things so difficult for yourself, stop telling yourself the reasons that you cannot do it and find the reasons why you can do it or how you can.

Stop looking for ways out and find ways into the action.

Do more of what makes you happy and less of what makes you sad.

Do the things that progress your life and avoid the things that slow that progress down.

Surround yourself with people that make you feel amazing and drop the ones that don’t.

And get the things done that you know you need to to make your life better.

Life, at its core, is very simple. Don’t make it so complicated.